I close my eyes and let my head sink back into the pillow.
While trying to curl up, I wrap my arms around me.
I can feel my heartbeat in my fingertips.
How illogical that is, why does it beat?
It must be dead, it’s been suffering for so long.
I balance between not feeling it and seeing it breaking into millions of
What has happened to me? To my dreams?
To all that meant something to me? Where did it go?
When did it slip through my fingers without me noticing?
We were one – two lost souls in this world.
Completing each other from the first moment on.
It was what I felt and what you had told me.
How you seemed to read my mind, my every dream.
You did breathe life into me, into all that has been lost for so long.
What happened to it?
My eyes fill with tears again and this wound inside my heart begins to
It’s growing bigger and bigger, that black nothing that is trying to kill me.
I’m unable to understand it. Maybe I don’t want to.
If all I ever had did break right in front of me, what to do then?
If the dreams and visions died from one moment to the other?
While I still struggle to put myself together, my heart beats stronger and
Every muscle is vibrating while I am breathing, while the blood rushes
through my veins, while my heart keeps me alive.
It’s torture that it beats. Isn’t it?
I don’t know why I feel the way I do. What makes me hate myself and everything
around me. I wonder whether I should destroy something, smash it to the next
wall, see the result of my very own strength. But what would I see? That I don’t
even know how to cope with my feelings?
Maybe I should destroy myself. I would be in the right mood for that.
I feel uneasy, my heart beats quite fast, something inside of me screams for me
to release it, to get rid of all the energy, it aches badly.
It hurts, this thing they call heart. It’s trying to make me weak, yet it’s so
powerful and pushing me to do something, to move, to hurt, to just give a sign of
I can feel that my fingers are shaking but when I lift them from the keyboard,
they are not moving at all. My body is calm, more than most other days but there
is something burning inside of me. I know I have to do something.
Pictures appear in my mind, a knife, leaning my head against the cold wall,
bursting out in tears, sinking down to the ground, wrapping my arms around my
My silent screams, all my tears are in vain. No one does listen, no one cares.
I find myself all alone, like I have always been and like I will always be.
This world probably isn’t made for someone like me. More likely I am not made
for this world. I am the outsider, the one that never fit in, the one the others only
recognize when they need someone to pick on. Someone to take away their own
pain, to make them feel better by feeling worse himself.
The wounds from my past never did heal. Some memories covered them, I for
myself did the best to hide them from the world but I am reminded of it every
day. They are still there and they still bleed. I suffer.
What you see is by far not what I am. I am not solid, not strong or perfect in
My very best talent is to hurt myself. I’m way too good in that. Either I m turning
around every anger and bad feeling until it’s straight against me or my mind thinks
back and forth until I can see nothing else than the fear and pain, the things you
cause me, how you can hurt me.
I gave myself, easily and willingly and I can’t even tell you why I did so.
Yet I realized that it’s been something I shouldn’t have done like this. I have no
back-up plan; no Plan B if this doesn’t work out.
You know that I am depending on you, in every single way and I know that too.
Since I realized that it’s not just sweet talking, something to cheer me up but the
honest and bitter reality, it freaks me out.
I can see that no matter what you would do to me, I would still forgive you; I
would have to because we are meant to be.
I feel like standing with my back against the wall and there is just no way out
anymore. Seeing that I knew this for such a long time and I still didn’t fight it
makes me hate myself even more.
It’s not the first time, I should have known that it would break me. Been there,
done that. I swore to never fall for anyone again, to never do anything without a
back-up plan. Now I am helpless.
You can push me back and forth, let me down in one moment and bring me right
back to heaven in the next and I will still sit there and just agree to whatever you
I can bleed my heart out because of what you do to me but I know that still I
couldn’t get away from you. Still I will love you more than anything else.
I’m moving away, only little steps backwards, away from you but I feel so
defenseless, so very lost and you have this massive power to hurt me, either you
want to or not.
I feel numb, paralyzed by my own thoughts, suffocating in what I feel.
I have always been lost, lonely, insane, bleeding…. I have always been me. And
I will probably be for the rest of time.